A new look at forgiveness.

For many years in the field of couples therapy, forgiveness was not considered to be a viable tool for resolving issues and helping couples to grow in relationship with one another.  It belonged to the religious or church arena and had no place in the world of educated, sophisticated professionals.   It was frequently looked down upon as being old-fashioned, passe’ and childish.   Couples therapy focused on better communication and understanding, quid pro quo behaviors, and coming to agreements and contracts.   Still….many couples were stuck in a quagmire of bitterness and blame over past injuries.  They couldn’t get over what “he did”or what “she said”.    Often, even after months in therapy, couples ended up in divorce having never really resolved the initial wounds that brought them in to see a counselor.

But things have changed.   In recent times you can pick up numerous psychological publications – books or magazine articles – and find out about this “new” way of resolving couples infidelity, emotional abuse, and other seemingly unfair and unloving past behaviors.    For couples who are trying to resolve the recent experience or past memory of a time when their partner turned into their enemy, there remains the point of forgiveness on the road of the journey back.

One could say that when you’ve tried everything else….try forgiveness.    Or, it’s worth a try – what have you got to lose?  But a better approach, it seems, would be to plan for it.   Plan that you will benefit from forgiveness at some point in the recovery of your relationship and of your self.   That’s right.  It is your own self that needs the benefit of forgiveness.   We forgive because it heals us as individuals, as well as couples; not because the offender deserves it or because we have a better understanding or because it’s the right thing to do.   We forgive because we need it.   And whether you think you are the perpetrator or not, more often than not, both people need to grant and receive forgiveness.

We admit:  forgiveness is not enjoyable or easy.   C.S Lewis  said, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”   In a future article we will talk about how one can forgive – and when.  But for now it is enough just to know that it’s for you!

Marriage Counseling: Don’t wait too long!

When should a couple seek counseling?    In almost 28 years as a counselor I would say that at least 1/2 of my clients have come to therapy for relationship difficulties.  A great number were marriages in trouble and many were seeking help as a “last ditch effort” to avoid divorce.   (Though research shows that less than 5% of couples seek counseling before getting divorced. ) So…when should a couple seek counseling?   For many the answer would be “years earlier!”

As researcher Dr.John Gottman has reported, many problems in marriages continue for up to 6 years before anyone seeks help.   Given that the average marriage lasts 7 years, its clear that many people live with unhappiness and relationship distress far too long.   What would happen if we waited that long before seeking medical attention for something wrong in our bodies?  Marriage therapists agree that more couples can be helped if they seek help much earlier and that the odds are against success if you wait too long.  What we’ve learned about early detection and treatment in the field of medical survival rates is also true in the area of couples counseling.

Here are a few “red flags” that might indicate therapy could benefit you as a couple:

1.  You have problems communicating.

  • Do you find that whatever the issue, it seems to quickly escalate?
  • You can’t bring up issues.
  • Nothing gets resolved.
  • You fight over the same things again and again:   You’re stuck.
  • You have difficulties listening, understanding and validating each other’s position on issues.

2. There is a growing sense of distance or alienation, and a lack of enjoyment of each other.

3  Your sexual intimacy is diminishing or changing.  (One partner could be feeling arousal from another source.)

4.  You have experienced a family trauma – a death, bankrupcy, etc. – and one or both partners can’t seem to adjust.  It’s affecting your marriage.

5.  You have financial disagreements that you are not able to resolve, or one partner is withholding decision-making power.

6.  There are conflicts due to parenting styles or in deciding whether or not to have a child(ren).

7.  Or perhaps, you are being pro-active!    You love each other and want to learn some new tools.


Couples counseling doesn’t cause divorce or save marriages.   But it does give you a safe place with a trained, impartial and non-judgmental professional to help you discuss issues and work toward a better, more satisfying relationship.   And isn’t that something we all want?



Stress-reducing exercise: just 15 minutes a day!

It is the inevitable by-product of living in a technologically-dependent, socially-connected, and minute-managed world that peace and calm get left in the wake.     Texts, emails and cell-phone calls fly in faster and more frequently than a speeding bullet.  It seems there is hardly a moment in the day when we’re not busy managing the demands of work, family and our increasingly larger social world that no longer can be shut out of our lives even for a few minutes.    We can no longer close the door behind us and expect that the world will be left outside.    Though staying connected is important, it is no more valuable than time alone to calm our thoughts and our bodies, to restore energy and peace,  and to reduce the ravages of stress.     And, you have a right to a few minutes to yourself!    You can decide to make time alone an equal priority.     Try this 15-minute a day refresher:

First:   Establish a quiet place in your home.   Use a candle, a cross, icon or other meaningful symbol for focus.  Pick a book of short devotional thoughts or spiritual / Scriptural readings.    Decide if you want to sit or kneel and prepare your place accordingly with a pillow, mat or stool.  When it is time, go to your quiet place and wait silently for a moment; breathe…relax…gently focus or close your eyes.   After awhile read your devotion then be quiet again and let the thoughts settle in….pray….don’t leave quickly, but quietly move back into your day.  

1.  5 minutes in the morning:   How you begin your day is most important!     Almost every important religious tradition speaks to the necessity of starting the day correctly.    After one of the busiest days recorded in Jesus’ ministry, the next morning the disciples found him out alone, having risen early to pray.    Get up just 5 minutes earlier and spend it in quietude and you will come to see what a difference it will make!

2. 5 minutes at lunch:   If at home, go to your quiet place again or find some place at work where you can retreat for just 5 minutes.    Go there around noon and shut out all thoughts of work.   Sit quietly, eyes closed, and body relaxed.    Breathe gently and just think about your breath.  Recall, if you wish, the truths of your early morning devotion.    Keep your thoughts away from work, problems, or “to-do”s.   For a few minutes, just be at peace.   End with a simple prayer of thanksgiving and then resume your day’s activities.

3.  5 minutes to end the day:    As the day ends, return for just a few moments to your quiet place.    After your few moments of relaxing, focusing and breathing you may want to give thanks as you recall the day just past.    Briefly examine your conscience and pray, clearing it of all that disturbs you.   

Try using this 15-minute a day refresher for a month and see if your sense of peace and calm have increased and stress decreased.  You’re worth it!

Boundaries in Relationships

I got a warning from my brother recently.    It was about a piece of grazing-land in a remote part of Kansas, which I own title to and lease to ranchers to raise cattle.    It seems a calf had broken through the fence and run out onto the country road.   “What would happen if someone hit it with his car?!”, he cried in exasperation when he realized I didn’t have insurance.    I had been counting on the ranchers for that.   “You could be sued for all you’re worth!”    He was right.   “Enough, bro’!    You’re right.   I need to protect my boundaries!”

That’s probably similar to what most people think about when they hear the phrase ” boundaries in relationships” – that we need them for self-protection.  But boundaries imply much more than that.   In fact , if that is our main notion, then trying to erect some could cause more harm than good for ourselves and for the people in our lives.

Boundaries are about our ‘space’, for sure, and it needs to be acknowledged and honored.   But boundaries include taking responsibility for our own behavior and choices, not just being on the alert for the other person’s perceived boundary-crossing.   Our personal boundaries or “ownership”includes such things as:

  • My attitudes
  • My thoughts
  • My feelings
  • My desires
  • My values
  • My limits
  • My abilities
  • My choices
  • My behavior

Boundaries start with self-control, not control of others.    They define us as persons and help us know just exactly what we can and should be working on changing, if anything!     It actually sets us free to know that we are not responsible for changing the behavior, thoughts or feelings of those people around us.   We can influence them, of course.    But our real task in life is to best manage our own lives – that which we do “own”- and see to it that it is a life of integrity, honesty, intentionality and generosity.     Loving relationships begin with the freedom created by a healthy understanding and respect for boundaries.  And this begins today with me!

It’s not that easy being green.

Kermit the Frog sings about how “It’s not easy being green:

When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold or something much more colorful like that.  (It’s Not That Easy Being Green,” by the Muppets)

If we can be honest, one of the biggest hurdles to get over in life is accepting who we are.   Not that we don’t want to grow and improve, but first we have to start with the basic package: “me.”  

The problem starts when we compare ourselves with others. Someone’s always taller, thinner, richer, smarter, better looking.   Someone’s got more talent and social graces and attracts people and good luck like a magnet, it seems.  

And is it only imagination that everyone else out there doesn’t have all those hidden weaknesses you have, those insecurities and doubts, fears and emptiness?  Have you got the only troubled marriage?   Are you the only one who can’t make life work out right?  Oh why, oh why, can’t I be more like everbody else?   

“It could make you wonder why,” Kermie ponders.   

At about this point our defenses kick in and we begin excusing, avoiding, rationalizing, blaming or maybe just eating and drinking.  

But if we stop a minute and think about it, there’s something unique about “me” and my life.   I’m one of a kind.   The mold is broken.    For good or for bad, I have a place in this world and people around me with whom I will share a few moments or years in space and time.    I am a link between the generations past and future.   In my own daily life I have power and influence.   I can make other lives happier or sadder, richer or emptier, better or worse.  

Mother Theresa said something that I’ve never forgotten – that it doesn’t matter what you do;  what matters is the love with which you do it.  In some meaningful way you need to accept your intrinsic worth and value in this world – and that of those around you.  Whoever you are, you need to know that “green will do fine”, in fact “it’s beautiful”.   Even more, “it’s what I want to be!”… because the world will never have another you.

Four Steps for Handling Frustration with Teens

When your young teen has decided to try his hand at backing the car out of the garage after you’ve told him he’s not ready, and the bumper’s scraped, the bushes have a hole in them, and you’re about to let loose with a barrage of #%$@* that would set fire to ice, stop….take a deep breath….and try this response suggested by psychologist Haim Ginott, in his book Between Parent and Child.

  1. Describe the situation: “Son, you just backed through the bushes.”  sigh   (“Yeah, Dad.”)
  2. Tell how you feel about it: “And I’m really ticked off at you!”
  3. Leave!: “In fact, I don’t know what I’ll do if I stay here. Pull the car back in the driveway, clean up the mess and come into the house.”
  4. By the time he comes in the house you’ll have calmed down and will probably be more able to talk with him about the incident without unnecessarily lecturing, criticizing and degrading him, and will be able to work out a solution. And remember, solutions are best when they are worked out by the child:

  5. “So, what do you think needs to be done about it?”

(“Well, Dad, I think I can pay for the damage out of my pizza shop check next week, and maybe go to the nursery for a new bush, and….okay….ground myself tonight….I’m really sorry.”)

“A Time to Grieve”: Three Important Truths about Grieving

It’s been several thousand years since these words were penned:   “There is a time for everything…a time to be born and a time to die…a time to cry and a time to laugh…a time to grieve and a time to dance”   Ecc. 3:1.   Those words are still applicable today.    If you are finding yourself with a loss through death or divorce – suffering long and lonely days and nights that feel like they will never end – perhaps there can be some comfort for you in realizing a few things: 

1.  First, grieving is a normal process that we all go through at one time or other.   We suffer loss and grief for many ‘normal’ situations, even good ones like a child getting married or leaving home for their first job.    Small amounts of grief are experienced when we move from one home to another, when a baby moves out of the crib and into a toddler bed, when a favorite holiday is over.  Of course, major losses stimulate greater amounts of grief reactions.  

2.  Second, there is a time for grief.   Losing someone is not something you ‘get over’, but you do learn to live with it.   You make an adjustment in your life, and that takes time.   It doesn’t help to avoid the thoughts and feelings of grief and mourning, but on the other hand, there are different ways people express their grief.   The expression of grief is unique to the person and occasion of loss.

3.  Third, occasionally a counselor can help.    Sometimes people wonder if what they’re experiencing is normal and they need someone to tell them they’re not crazy.  Sometimes friends and relatives aren’t able to help us much with our grief.   They might use cliches such as “He’s better off now anyway” or not understand why we’re not getting over it sooner.   Sometimes you might feel alone and isolated in your grief.   Everyone else seems to have gone on with life but you feel stuck.    Sometimes you may experience multiple losses or have unresolved losses from the past.   For these or for other complications to grief, people come for counseling to a trained therapist who can help them in the journey to a more integrated and pleasing life again.   There is hope!

Who Can I Help as an Marriage and Family Therapist?

People sometimes ask me if I, as an “MFT” (marriage and family therapist) can counsel individuals, too.

In truth at least half of my practice is with individual adults of all ages, as well as children and teens.  

What MFT really refers to is the education and training I have received in the area of relationships.     If you think about it, most of our feelings of anxiety, depression, stress or loss are connected to the people in our lives, past or present.   

If you are having a struggle dealing with your past…it probably involves people.    If you are feeling unworthy, isolated, and hopeless….it probably is about people.     Understanding yourself in the context of your relationships is a first step to unraveling the pieces and changing patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that aren’t working for you.   No one has to stay stuck forever.

Depression Treatment without Drugs: 8 Steps You Can Take

Sigh….Is it an Eeyore -kind of day for you?   For some people, every day is a bit sad.   Some folks report a lifetime of dealing with depressive feelings.     For others, it comes and goes with the seasons or is temporary due to loss and change.

Depression treatment without drugs is the first line of defense against this debilitating condition.

Are You Depressed?

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the very saddest and 10 being exhilaratingly happy, how are you feeling today?     How would you rate yourself on most days?    Many people report that they would like to know how about depression treatment without drugs.    If your depression is not serious -i.e. not clinical, or endogenous – you may be able to get some relief from applying some common sense solutions to lighten your load.

Depression Treatment without Drugs

  1. EXERCISE:   Most of us now are well aware of the benefits of regular exercise.    Moderate regular exercise (vigorous enough to raise a sweat) raises our level of endorphines and lifts our moods.   We know that….now we just need to get out the door!
  2. SLEEP:  Current studies correlate depression and sleep-deprivation.    If you’re someone who has difficulty with insomnia, you will probably complain that getting more sleep is not a simple change to put into effect.    You’re right!   But it sometimes helps to apply a few common sense solutions that over time can gradually add more rest to your life.    The K-State counseling center gives a good list of sleep strategies that can help provide depression relief without drugs.  Let me know what works for you.
  3. GET UP; GET MOVING; GET OUT:    When you are feeling down do you decide to lie in bed all day?    You’ll probably end up feeling worse.   Instead, get out of bed, shower and dress and get out of your four walls.    That won’t make the problems go away, but will probably make subtle changes in your perspective that will help.
  4. CALL A FRIEND:     Isolation contributes to even more turning inward, rumination and “wallowing”.    Sharing your life with others – even if you don’t feel like ‘dumping’ everything – is a well-known, temporary cure for the blues.
  5. GET A CHECK-UP:   Be sure to rule out medical causes of your depression.     Tell your doctor/naturopath about your depression.    A test may reveal thyroid, blood sugar or other physiological reasons for being ‘down’.
  6. WATCH YOUR SELF-TALK.    One of the major ways of treating depression with or without medication is “cognitive-behavioral’ therapy.    Negative self-talk, ruminating about things you can’t change, harboring anger and bitterness, etc. are all known to cause a dip in our production of endorphines.    It’s an amazing thing to consider that we all make our own “uppers and downers”.      A lifetime of depression can sometimes be traced back to a family system or a personal history of negativity, criticism and hopeless thinking.    It is often referred to as “learned depression”.    Chances are, you started life as a happy baby!
  7. PRAY:   Quietness, prayer, contemplation and/or meditation are ways to help us get in touch with a vital source of peace and help us find meaning and acceptance in the midst of our struggles.    Retreats, worship attendance, confession. – whatever your faith community offers – is a resource that should not be overlooked.
  8. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP:    If you find yourself stuck in a pattern of negative, downward thinking about life or about yourself, consider enlisting a professional to help you find a way to change those habits.      Note:   Serious, life-threatening and pervasive depression – referred to earlier as “clinical” – will require the care of a psychologist or psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment.

You don’t have to continue to suffer from the dark and sad feelings of depression. Even if you do eventually need medication, these eight ways of depression treatment without drugs will be a good first step on your road to recovery.

How Often Should I Come for Counseling?

Clients ask, How often should I come for counseling?

Individual Counseling

In most cases, weekly sessions are best for an individual person to maximize their counseling experience.  A week is about the right amount of time to process the information, thoughts and feelings and be ready for more input.

Couples Counseling

For couples, a different frequency might work — such as  every other week — but couples also often do their  best week to week at least initially.   Time, experience and researchhas provided us with this ‘optimum.’  Think also of the timeliness of other activities in your life.

Working out only once a week would prove to be an ineffective exercise program;we know that a minimum of three 30-minute to 1-hour segments of time devoted to serious sweat are needed in you want to see progress.

On the other hand, exercising every day without a rest or working out for too long a stretch can have a negative effect.   There is a happy medium.

Cycles and Rhythm Are Important

Brushing and flossing your teeth?  Gotta be daily – hopefully at least twice.  Your car needs an oil change every 3,500 miles….your general health needs an annual check-up…your dog needs a walk every morning and evening.   Get it?   There’s a cycle and rhythm to life, and therapy is no exception.